Stay Awhile and Listen!

My life is strange. I’m not depressed, yet I hate absolutely everything about my life at the moment. I’ve become very distant from my family, I can’t stand anybody, even the people whom I consider to be my closest friends, my financial situation is on a very steady decline, and my career goes against every thing I believe in. I don’t know where I’m heading, or if I even want to get there. I lack any sense of motivation, even to accomplish the most simplest of tasks. Even going out some days is more a chore than a fun activity. I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure if I even care that all of this is going on. Maybe the fact that I see fit to even waste some time writing a post about it means that I do want a change. I can’t tell. I might not even give it a second thought once I’m done writing this post. What am I doing? Why can’t I be satisfied with anything? Why can’t I care? I’ve landed myself in a very rough situation and I can’t even bring myself to change anything. That’s a lie. I can. I just don’t want to. Any sane person would make the utmost effort to fix their lives. I understand this entirely, yet I will not do anything. I need something positive in my life, something or someone to motivate me. I don’t know what to do, otherwise. I’m dependent on indifference. The less I care, the less it hurts. Relationships are meaningless, goals are meaningless, friends are meaningless, actions are meaningless. Everything is meaningless. If our lives, and the lives of our fellow human beings come to an end so very quickly, what exactly are we accomplishing? “Make the world a better place” We all have that power. Whether you’re incredibly bright, or mundane, you have the ability to brighten other people’s worlds. But for what? A day, a week, a year of happiness? For one or both parties? Why bother? I’m a sympathetic person, or at least that’s what I like to believe, but what difference does it actually make? We’re here, we decay, and we eventually disappear. Even if we’re remembered, the impacts we make are minimal. We are dust, nothing more. Sometimes I envy the blindly faithful. Giving their all to something they barely understand. They believe they have a purpose, no matter how cancerous that belief is. I know there is nothing. Nothing we can accomplish. I can only hope there is something after this. Certainly no “Heaven”.. But a higher state of being. Something better than this. I higher consciousness, a better understanding of the universe surrounding us. Until I can figure out any more, or until I can find something worthwhile, I will maintain my state of indifference, and my self destructive habits. What else is there?

When did everything start being so lame? I remember having fun, way back when. Twenty going on eighty. Bitterness sets in early. Guess it comes with the bad back.

Why do I still fucking miss you? Why have I been under a cloud of constant turmoil for the past three months? These coping methods are getting me nowhere and I’m sick of pretending that I’m functioning the same as usual. I’m not accustomed to feeling this way. It’s sickening. Why do the worst people get to be happy, and have handed to them everything they could ever dream of, while the those of us who go out of our way to show respect to others, and make those close to us happy have to beg for scraps? I’m sick of all of this. I’m sick of everyone I know. The selfish, indifferent attitudes, the disheartening comments. Is there no human decency left? I’m as guilty as everyone else, and for good reason. The second you start giving a damn, another person is going to step in and shit right on your face. I can’t move through this in the same manner as I normally do, and I’m not even sure why. Enough time has gone by for me to completely disregard that there was a problem to begin with. However, my mind is sabotaging my usual flow of emotions and line of thought. This shit happens, it doesn’t make a difference in the long run. But who am I trying to convince? If someone is close to you, or is trying to do good by you, then you should at least have the common decency to show that person some honesty and respect. But that’s too much to ask. I’m done. Over 9000% done.

Anonymous asked: someone still dreams of you

Everyone dreams of me. The only way to steal a person’s soul is to infiltrate their dreams, where I convince them to relinquish it to me subconsciously.

The one thing I’ll never understand about other people, specifically the ones who make it a point to look out only for themselves, make it seem so easy. Letting people get so close to them, for their own benefit, and then dropping said people or person like they never mattered to begin with, without so much as a second thought, and then moving on to another person with the exact same intention. Do you not feel? Do you not understand that your actions affect people other than yourself? Or are you just that good at closing yourself off to such things that it only appears that you’re that self indulgent, when really you’re dying on the inside, trying to fill some void in yourself with new things because you never really feel like you’re worth any of the attention you get? Striving for that new feeling from a different person nearly every month? I don’t get it. People confuse me.

Honey badger status re-initiated.

Living in a perpetual state of sadness and indifference. Can’t even differentiate between the two anymore.

ಠ_ಠ

Shame, shame, shame.

Anonymous asked: I wish you were as happy as you deserved to be, and that one day someone comes along and is able to do that for you. Your charm and wits are things to be admired and they'll get you far in life. You've got a whole universe going on in your mind and whoever you decide to fully let in would only be so lucky. You deserve to be fully understood and be more than someone who's willing to listen. You're great, and I can't wait to see you really happy.

At the risk of sounding like a cynical douchenozzle, as much as I appreciate the sentiment, I’m not allowed to be happy. I’m only allowed to exist. Things will never be terrible, and things will never be great. Regardless of who comes along, that won’t change. I’ll come close to being content, and actually enjoying what I have. But something will come along and take that away. And then it’ll go back to just living day by day, not a worry in the world, nothing to look forward to. Just another day. Just more transparent people. And that, for one reason or another, is all I deserve.

I’m trying to remember when I started loathing you.

hangthedeejay asked: Update that icon son, this isn't 09 anymore.

I do what I want.

I’ve never wanted to explode as desperately as I do right now. I won’t be passive forever, do keep that in mind.

Anon > actual people
Apparently

Its not fair that you’re in my dreams, and nowhere else.

Well, I tried.